If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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