We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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