I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
