I cut my penus on the lid.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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