If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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