Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
