I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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