You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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