Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You're a waste of cheezeits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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