I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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