I'm really into asian looking animals
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
