I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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