I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
