my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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