Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
