I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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