I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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