I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
