ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
