he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
