I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
