Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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