Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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