Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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