listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
