I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
