Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
