Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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