I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
