yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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