ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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