I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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