dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
