Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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