dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
