um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im holly from the hills drunk
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
