You smell like stripper and shame
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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