seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize