My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
