gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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