Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
