Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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