found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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