There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My vagina just recognized that song.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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