just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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