I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
