whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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