The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
