There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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