I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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