Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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