did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
