Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
