Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
