I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
