I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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