And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
