Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
