Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
