Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
