when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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