I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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