so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
